Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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