You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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