My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
