My nipple is on Facebook.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
