Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
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Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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