wakey wakey hands off snakey
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
