The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
