Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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