He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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