Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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