Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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