NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
