wanna go halves on a baby?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I am spending my child support on dildos
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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