Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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