you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
