I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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