dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
