I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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