So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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