She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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