I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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