my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
