I met the friendliest cop last night
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
