Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
