I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
