ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
