how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
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I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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