His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
