mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Are we still banned from the library?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
