So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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