Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
