Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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