dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
