Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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