i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
