my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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