Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
