Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10