I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
