You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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