If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
