Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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