I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Randomize
