He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
