i already hear my dad disowning me
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
