she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
