Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
