I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
