we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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