I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
