Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
