I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
