Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
