the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
