My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
