evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
